Sir Bedivere's Logic
by Maiden of the BH
Summary: For those of you who are fans of Sir Bedivere's logic on how to tell if someone is a witch, here's some of his logic behind other things.
1. The earth is banana shaped

A/N: This story was originally in script form, so I apologize for the fact that it's almost completely dialogue and for all of the times that I have to say 'said so-and-so.'

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Sir Bedivere's Logic: The earth is banana shaped

Waves crashed, throwing up sea scum onto the dock of a boatyard. The boatyard was littered with crates and fish guts, the smell nearly enough to knock someone out. Two beggars sat on the ground, using a cat to sweep up dirt and grime into an open, upturned crate. Sir Bedivere stood atop a sturdy crate, gazing out to sea. A yelling crowd of seamen passed by, arguing about a pending voyage out to sea.

"We can't go out to sea! That'd be murder!"

"Yeah, we'd fall off the edge of the earth!"

"That's right, the earth's flat, you know."

"Yeah, the earth is flat. We'd fall off the edge if we sailed out too far."

Sir Bedivere, hearing the argument, turned his back on the sea and stared down at the crowd. "Flat you say?" Sir Bedivere said, leaning toward the crowd of men to get their attention. "And why would you say that the earth is flat?"

"Because it's flat," said a squat, bald man near the crate on which Sir Bedivere stood.

"Yes, yes, it's flat. The earth is flat," agreed a tall, lanky man behind the bald man.

King Arthur, riding along the docks, heard the conversation and pulled back on his reins to stop and listen. Patsy, his trusty companion, stopped alongside him, banging his coconuts together in order to imitate a horse as it is being reined to a halt.

"I've seen the edge of the earth. If just falls right away," said a man with a pot strapped to his head as if it were a hat.

"I fell off the side of the earth," said the tall man.

"Really?" said Sir Bedivere, lifting his visor to get a better look at the man. "You fell off the side of the earth?"

"Well," said the tall man, looking from side to side nervously, "I climbed back up. Or ... swam back up?"

"Well, the earth is not flat," said Sir Bedivere, rocking back on his heels a bit.

"Wow, did you hear that?"

"He's going to prove that the earth's not flat!"

"Let's all listen."

"How is it that the earth's not flat?"

"Well, let's see here," said Sir Bedivere to the now attentive crowd, "What sort of things are flat?"

"The earth! The earth!" cried the pot-hat man.

"Squashed potatoes?" asked the bald man. "Rhinoceroses? Really flat horseshoes?"

"The earth!" said a short man with bright eyes near the front of the crowd, "the earth is flat."

"Pickles?" asked the tall man, "Bouncing balls? Really small rocks?" He held up his hand to demonstrate the size of a really small rock.

"I know the answer! It's the earth!" reiterated the pot-hat man.

"No, no no!" called Sir Bedivere, waving his arms to get the crowd to quiet down. "None of those things are flat. I was asking for names of things that are flat."

"Witches?" asked the bald man. "Apple juice?"

"The earth!" said the pot-hat man, jumping up and down in earnest, his face alight with anticipation. "It's the earth!"

"Sticks?" asked the short man. "Swords? Paper?"

"Yes, that's right!" said Sir Bedivere. "Paper. Paper is flat. And what do you do with paper?"

King Arthur nodded in agreement, but remained a silent spectator, still unnoticed by Sir Bedivere or the yelling crowd.

"Build paper boats out of it?" asked the tall man, scratching his head.

"Flatten it?" asked the pot-hat man.

"Sit on it?" said the short man.

"Burn it!" shouted the bald man.

"No, that's not what you do with paper!" called Sir Bedivere. The crowd continued as if he hadn't said anything though.

"Lay it on the ground?"

"Eat it?"

"Make books out of it?" asked the short man.

"Yes," said Sir Bedivere, pointing at the short man, "But, can you make books out of the earth?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No."

"No, no you can't."

"No."

"Then," said Sir Bedivere, "if you can't make books out of the earth..."

"Then the earth..." said the bald man.

"The earth is..." said the tall man.

"The earth is flat?" asked the pot-hat man.

"The earth is _not_ flat?" asked the short man.

"Correct!" exclaimed Sir Bedivere, clapping his hands together. "The earth is _not _flat!"

"Then what is it?"

"If the earth isn't flat, then how come you fall off the edge if you sail out too far?"

"Yeah, the earth has to be flat!"

"What is the shape of the earth?"

"Well," said Sir Bedivere, "you don't make books out of the earth. So, what _do_ you do with the earth?"

"Kick it?" asked the tall man.

"Sit on it?" asked the pot-hat man.

"Make books out of it?" said the bald man.

"Look at it?" asked the short man.

"Burn it!" said the pot-hat man.

"Grow things on it?" said the short man, scrunching up his face in concentration.

"Good!" said Sir Bedivere, lifting his pointing finger up into the air in acknowledgement. "You grow things on the earth. Therefore, the earth must be shaped like something that grows on it."

"Squirrels grow on the earth!"

"What about unladen swallows?"

"No, grass does."

"I think it's a wheel!"

"No, that's all wrong," said Sir Bedivere. "How about this? In the spring, what color does the grass and the trees and the weeds start to show?"

"Purple?" asked the tall man. "Red?"

"Black and white?" said the pot-hat man.

"Green?" asked the short man.

"That's right!" said Sir Bedivere, nearly falling off the crate in his excitement. "Everything is green. Then, in the hot heat of the summer, when the sun beats down on everything, what color do the green things turn to?"

"Purple?" asked the tall man.

"Polka dotted?" asked the bald man. "Maybe stripes?"

"Green?" asked the pot-hat man. "Does it turn to green?"

"No, I think it turns orange," said the tall man.

"Yellow?" said the short man.

Sir Bedivere's high voice rose above the noise of the crowd. "When the sun beats down and the grasses begin to die, they turn yellow. So, what grows on the earth and starts out green, but then, the more that it's in the sun, it begins to turn yellow?"

"Rabbits?" asked the pot-hat man.

"Grass," said the short man.

"Witches?" asked the tall man.

"Grass," said the short man.

"The earth?" asked the bald man.

"Really flat leaves?" asked the tall man.

"Grass," said the short man.

"Fishes?" asked the pot-hat man.

"Bananas!" said King Arthur, bringing attention to himself for the first time. Sir Bedivere lifted his visor, his eyes going wide.

"Oooooo," said many crowd members.

"Exactly," said Sir Bedivere, "so logically..."

"If bananas are green..."

"And then they turn yellow..."

"And the earth turns yellow..."

"Then the earth must be flat!"

"No, no the earth isn't flat. So, if the earth is like a banana..."

"Then the earth must be shaped like..."

"Like..."

"A banana!"

"Oh yes!" said Sir Bedivere, "They've finally got it! The earth is shaped like a banana!"

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A/N: If you really liked this story, then proceed to the next chapter for an example of Sir Bedivere's logic concerning how a sheep's bladder can prevent earthquakes. 


	2. Sheep's bladders can prevent earthquakes

A/N: Ok, I'm really sorry for taking so long to update this story. My muse left on vacation and never came back. Itried to hunt her down, but I never found her. Thankfully, I bumped into a different muse not too long ago, thus producing this chapter, but since it wasn't my original muse, well, this chapter isn't as good as the last one. Sorry! Still, if you'd like to hear more of Sir Bediver's Logic, I'm taking suggestions. Just tell me what you'd like Sir Bedivere to prove. I'll also take suggestions on cast (who's he proving it to?) or setting. I'll most like mix and match suggestions from more than one person and will always give credit at the beginning of the chapter as to who gave me the ideas! I'll try to never take so long to update again! I'm sure that if I have enough bizarre logics to choose between, I'll be able to find something to write about.

A/N 2: Thank you so much everyone who reviewed my first chapter! There are too many of you for me to thank you individually, but I'd just like you all to know that I was very touched by the response to my first chapter!

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Sir Bedivere's Logic: Sheep's bladders can prevent earthquakes

Due to the fact that Sir Robin's minstrels had been consumed, the knights of the round table had no music to entertain themselves with, or rather, no musicians to tell to shut up to any more, so they sat around a fire on a winter night, staring at the flames in silence.

Sir Robin jumped up in exasperation. "This is pointless! Don't we have anything we could talk about?"

"Yes!" said Sir Lancelot. "We must have something of which to speak or else we will just remain…" Sir Lancelot stopped talking, at a lost for the word he wanted to use. With a deep sigh, he let his shoulders fall.

Concord, Sir Lancelot's companion, spoke up from the other fire. "Bored, sir?"

"Yes," said Sir Lancelot brightly, "or we shall remain bored."

"Then what should we talk about?" asked King Arthur.

All four of King Arthur's knights gave this question a lot of thought, but remained quiet. Then Sir Bedivere leaned forward.

"Oooo-ooo!" he said.

Sir Lancelot leapt up, drawing his sword. "What is it? Are we being attacked?"

"No," said Sir Bedivere.

"But wasn't that surprise and alarm that you were expressing?" asked Sir Lancelot, still looking for an enemy. A slight breeze stirred the trees of the wood where they had set up camp, and he charged the nearest tree, crashing his sword down onto a branch many times. Snow began to shower down around him. Sir Galahad, who was nearest to him, had to pull him away from the tree and sit him down, telling his that that was enough of that.

"No," said Sir Bedivere. "That wasn't surprise and alarm. Oooo-ooo is the sound one makes when they've had an epiphany."

"Oh," said Sir Lancelot, "I knew that."

"And what is it?" asked King Arthur. "You must tell us of your epiphany Sir Bedivere!"

"Yes!" said Sir Galahad and Sir Robin, leaning forward with interest.

"To pass the time, we could speak about science, my liege," said Sir Bedivere to the king.

"That's a great idea, Sir Bedivere!" said the king, "This new learning intrigues me. Tell me again how a sheep's bladders can prevent earthquakes."

"Certainly, my liege."

"Sheep's bladders can prevent earthquakes?" asked Sir Galahad. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Do you know how earthquakes start?" asked Sir Bedivere.

"Well, no."

"First you must know how something starts in order to prevent it from starting," said Sir Bedivere.

"That makes enough sense," said Sir Galahad. "So, how do earthquakes start?"

"Must we r-really talk about such f-f-fr-rightening things?" asked Sir Robin, looking at the ground with apprehension.

"But this is an interesting conversation," said King Arthur.

"Oh all right," said Sir Robin. "If it will shut you up sooner, earthquakes start by the ground shaking. Isn't that obvious?"

"And why," said Sir Bedivere, turning his attention toward Sir Robin, "would you say that?"

Sir Robin opened his mouth, looking like a dumb cow. Finally, he stuttered, "T-th-the ground sh-sh-shhh-shakes whenever there's an-an-an earth-qu-qua-quake." He kept shooting glances at the ground and had become quite jumpy as if he expected the dirt under his feet to rear up and take a bite out of him.

"But the earth is not the only thing that can shake," said Sir Bedivere.

Sir Robin began to sweat.

"What else shakes?" asked Sir Galahad, apparently undisturbed by Sir Robin's antics.

"Whatever it is," said Sir Lancelot, getting to his feet once again, his sword in hand in a flash, "I shall stop its shaking. A noble quest, to rid the land of earthquakes and shakes!"

"No, no," said Sir Bedivere. "Earthquakes are not caused by the earth shaking."

"Oh," said Lancelot, shrugging as he sat again, his sword still in hand.

"But whenever the earth shakes, isn't that an earthquake?" asked Sir Galahad.

"Yes, but what, other than the earth, shakes?" asked Sir Bedivere.

"I d-don't like this conversation," said Sir Robin. "All this t-ta-talk about shaking and ear-earthquakes."

"A voice may shake," said King Arthur, looking at Sir Robin, whose face turned red under his stare.

"Yes!" said Sir Bedivere. "But what does a shaking voice mean?"

"Mean?" said Sir Galahad.

"It do-doesn't m-m-me-mean an-anything," said Sir Robin.

"This is pointless talk," said Sir Lancelot. "Surely there is someone out there who needs to be rescued." He moved his arm (thankfully the one not holding the sword, for he knocked Galahad in the head with the sweeping motion) to indicate the silent wood around them.

"We have already searched the woods Sir Lancelot," said King Arthur. "We are alone."

"That's right," said Sir Lancelot. "I had forgotten. So, what were we talking about?"

"What does it mean when a voice shakes?" said Sir Bedivere, bringing the problem in front of them all again.

"It c-could mean that the person i-is tired," said Sir Robin, trying really hard to keep his voice steady.

"Or that he has a cold," offered Sir Galahad.

"When someone's voice is shaking, they're just taking too long to talk," said Sir Lancelot.

Sir Robin gulped before quickly saying, "So what does it mean?"

"They're scared," said King Arthur, "or nervous," he said, as an afterthought.

"Who's s-scared?" asked Sir Robin.

"That's what it means when someone's voice is shaking," said King Arthur.

"Yes!" said Sir Bedivere. "But, does their voice shake _before _or _after_ they become scared."

"After," said Sir Galahad.

"They shouldn't be scared," said Sir Lancelot.

"Nevermind that," said Sir Galahad to Sir Lancelot. Turning back to Sir Bedivere, he asked, "Am I right that their voice shakes after they become scared?"

"Yes," said Sir Bedivere. "So, does the shaking _cause_ them to be scared?"

"No," said Sir Robin, trying to get back into the conversation without saying too much.

"No, it doesn't," said Sir Galahad.

"What _does_ cause them to be scared then?" asked Sir Bedivere.

"Something scary?" asked Sir Lancelot, finally seeming to take an interest in the talk.

"Something must have scared them," agree Sir Galahad.

"Correct!" said Sir Bedivere.

"So the shaking of the earth could not cause an earthquake?" asked King Arthur, using his superior knowledge (and maybe the fact that he had already heard this logic) to jump ahead. "Something must scare the earth until it shakes?"

"Exactly!" said Sir Bedivere, so energetically that his visor clanked down and he had to raise it out of the way to continue.

"But what c-could s-sc-scare the ear-arth?" asked Sir Robin.

"I didn't know the earth ever got scared," said Sir Galahad.

"When you go to the beach, what is the scariest thing there?" asked Sir Bedivere.

It took a while for the knights to get over the sudden change in setting, but then Sir Robin blurted out, "Sharks!"

"Jellyfish," said Sir Galahad.

"Getting fish stuck in your armor," said Sir Lancelot.

"Drowning!" said Sir Robin.

"But those things are in the water," said Sir Bedivere. "I meant, what is the scariest thing on the shore, on the earth?"

"Getting a sunburn," said Sir Lancelot.

"Being buried in sand," said Sir Robin.

"Stepping on a crab," said Sir Galahad.

"Seagulls!" screamed Sir Robin.

Everyone looked at him in sudden shock and Sir Lancelot jumped up at the shout, swinging his sword around. It took two knights to get him sitting again before Sir Bedivere pronounced Sir Robin to be right.

"Seagulls?" asked Sir Galahad. "What's frightening about seagulls?"

"They smell bad," said Sir Lancelot.

"I guess they have beady, little eyes," mused Sir Galahad.

"They poop on you!" said Sir Robin. "You have to run fast to get away from them."

"But the earth can't move," said King Arthur, getting where this logic was going. "It must shake to get away from the droppings of the seagulls."

"So seagulls cause earthquakes?" asked Sir Galahad, the tone of his voice obviously showing that he was skeptical.

"Not seagulls," said Sir Bedivere, "the droppings. And not _just_ from seagulls, but from all birds."

"Ok?" said Sir Galahad slowly, "but what does this all have to do with sheep's bladders? Isn't that what you were proving to begin with?"

Sir Bedivere nodded, his visor moving up and down even more than his head. "What do you do with sheep's bladders?" he asked.

"Not this again," said Sir Lancelot. "This is another of those…" he paused.

"Questions, sir?" asked Concord from the other fire. The men around that fire, though quiet, had paid attention to the entire conversation.

"Yes, another one of those questions," said Sir Lancelot.

"Questions lead to knowledge," said King Arthur. What he had said sounded so knowledgeable that Sir Lancelot didn't argue.

"Sheep's bladders…" said Sir Bedivere, regaining their attention.

"I don't know what you do with sheep's bladders," said Sir Lancelot. "I've never even seen a sheep's bladder."

"You could put stuff in it," said Sir Galahad.

"Ah, but can you not also put things in bags?" asked Sir Bedivere.

"Oh yeah," mumbled Sir Galahad.

"You could blow it up," suggested Sir Lancelot.

"Eat it," said Sir Robin.

"Or wear it as clothing," said Sir Galahad.

"Poop in it, maybe?" asked Sir Robin.

"Or," said Sir Galahad with excitement, "you could make the birds poop in it!"

"Yes, you could," said Sir Bedivere.

"How would you train birds to only poop in sheep's bladders?" asked Sir Lancelot.

"You could never train them all," agreed King Arthur, "but you could force them somehow."

"How c-could you force them?" asked Sir Robin.

"With bait," said Sir Galahad.

"Or weapons," said Sir Lancelot, brandishing his sword.

"But those ways wouldn't always work," said Sir Bedivere.

"You would have to tie the sheep's bladders to their feet," said King Arthur. "Then they would have no choice."

"Precisely, my liege! Then the bird's droppings would land in the sheep's bladder."

"And not on the ground!" said Sir Galahad.

"So the earth wouldn't get scared of the dropping and wouldn't move!" said Sir Lancelot.

"And if it doesn't move, then there are no earthquakes," said King Arthur.

"So, logically," said Sir Bedivere, "sheep's bladders _can_ prevent earthquakes."

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A/N: Please leave suggestions for what you would like Sir Bedivere to prove next! 


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